IN a shocking change of pace, J.J. Abrams* has scooped recent interviews held by Chris Pine and Zachary Quinto by going on the record with some hard facts about the upcoming  Star Trek sequel.

Exasperated by his stars’ unwillingness to say even the slightest thing about the film, whilst seemingly giving away ‘information’ like “it’s going to be bigger and bolder” and “it’s going to take the story further”, Abrams updated his MySpace page in a brief fury of exposition.

“Spock Prime? DEAD! Kirk Prime? Back – AND DEAD!”

Oh by the way – spoiler alert.

“The Klingon invasion of Earth sees tough times ahead for Scotty and Bones, who have to wade through a sea of bodies to discover that their Captain has been abducted by a madman convinced that the only way for humans to survive is to attain a higher level. That man is none other than Gary Noonien Singh a gene-spliced super mutant capable of luring women with a single bicep flex. No I can’t do this any longer. Sorry guys – there really is nothing I’m ever going to say to you story-spoiling freaks. Suck my horn-rimmed wearing balls and stop pestering me and my crew for Star Trek spoilers. What are you going to do? Feel better by being ‘first’? Get a life and enjoy life as it comes, not months before it’s released in theatres.”

Simon Pegg* also tweeted – “I have sex with Uhura, and get my lights punched out by Spock!”

* In case you’re new to Onion-style satire, JJ Abrams and Simon Pegg did not say this.